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Title: Made To Be
Author: llaeyro for My Bloody Valentine 2016 at hp_darkarts
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: ~2,000
Main Pairing: Charlie/Bill
Summary: Charlie’s world falls apart. His big brother is there to pick up the pieces.
Warnings: Incest, anal sex, Muggle violence, subversive coercion, hurt/comfort.

This is exactly the type of thing I like, sweet and wrong. Don't want to spoil it, so I'll just say that there's a bit of a twist to it which really makes it perfect. Loved!
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Yesterday I posted a rec for 1bad_joke's Drarry fic, Something there. And ever since I've had the song (from Beauty and the Beast) stuck in my head. That song, and the Belle song from the beginning when she's singing through the town.

I thought listening to the song might help get it unstuck. But no. I listened to the whole soundtrack while cooking a roast for my cousin Beck's 20th birthday. Nope. Still stuck in my head.

Fun...

Well it could be worse, it could be the song from the first Power Rangers movie. Yikes!
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This is a throwback rec. I mean to say, I read this a long time ago and I'm only now getting around to reccing it cuz I'm lazy. ;D

Title: Something There
Author: 1bad_joke
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: ~27,000
Main Pairing: Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy
Summary: You can't even look at me.
Warnings: m/m action, some dub-con, mild angst, and (could be construed as) Ginny-bashing

Not my usual fare. This is more of a sweet and syrupy guilty pleasure for me. I read it a while ago. Back then I didn't keep detailed notes of the fics I read, so can't really say more than that.

I guess I'll just have to add it back to my queue, re-read it, and report back any new impressions. Sigh. The sacrifices I make...cuz reading is such a burden

Not Lazy

Jan. 16th, 2016 05:01 pm
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Finally decided to post some recs.

I'll try to post my recs every Saturday, but we'll see how that goes. Along with posting recs for the fics I read for the week, I'll try to post a rec for a fic I read a while ago, but never got around to reccing.
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Title: Riding Coattails alernate link on AO3
Author: Anonymous until reveals Ladyofsd for the 2016 Severus Snape Fest
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 2,612
Main Pairing: Harry Potter/Severus Snape
Summary: There was a reason why nobody knew Severus Snape was an Animagus.
Warnings: Harry is 16

So sweet, my heart actually felt all melty. Loved it. Great read when you need a quick romance lift (with a dose of smut).

There's a piece of art for the same fest that goes along with this fic, which I also loved:
Title: Mates For Life alernate link on AO3
Author: Anonymous until reveals Ladyofsd for the 2016 Severus Snape Fest
Rating: G
A/N: Read Riding Coattails first to avoid spoilers.
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Title: Felinated!
Author: AbstractConcept
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 18,506
Main Pairing: Harry Potter/Severus Snape
Summary: A potions accident leaves Snape as a cat until who-knows-when. Harry’s already got his hands full when a prankster starts sabotaging the rebuilding of Hogwarts. But what if it’s not just a prank?

Pre-slash with cat!Snape. Amusing, humorous, plotty. A good, light, quick read between heavier pieces.
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Title: To Have Not
Author: MontanaDan
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 61,985
Main Pairing: Harry Potter/Lucius Malfoy
Summary: Lucius takes advantage of Harry's vulnerable emotional state, offering him a marriage of convenience to protect Harry from the media and to regain Lucius' family status. Outraged, Severus tries to win Harry back
Warnings: infidelity

Less smut more plot than the first. Despite being driven by the telenovela cliche of Snape pushing Harry away for his own good and Lucius trying to trap Harry with mpreg, I liked it, probably cuz plot. The author kept it interesting.

I liked this fic just as much as the first, but I decided to read something else instead of continuing on to the final fic of the series To Have And To Keep because parts of this fic made me anxious. This shouldn't be a deterrent though, because I have anxiety issues and even playing video games makes me anxious. I decided to read something fluffy or funny instead but plan to read To Have And To Keep soonish.
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Title: To have and to hold
Author: MontanaDan
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 69,555
Main Pairing: Harry Potter/Severus Snape
Summary: Visions from the Dark Lord are incapacitating Harry. Snape decides to help, regardless of whether Harry wants his help. Features a possessive Snape and a sarcastic cynical Harry.
Warnings: Author didn't post any but I'll say: attempted rape

This fic was interesting, containing a powerful, intelligent Harry who can take care of himself (which I love). This is not a slow build, Harry and Snape start their relationship pretty early on in the fic and their relationship is a main focus, although there is a good deal of non-relationship based plot as well. Part of it felt sensual and there was a good deal of smut. As with many of the fics I like, this was a bit dark, or maybe grey is the right term.

After finishing I was looking forward to starting on the sequel.
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Title: The Pain of Breathing
Author: Reddwarfer
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 2,437
Main Pairing: Harry Potter/Severus Snape
Summary: Sirius is dead. Harry now knows his fate and doesn't know how to handle life anymore. Snape finds a way to rescue him.
Warnings: Ambiguous Consent, Chan 13-15

A bit hot, really intense. Amusing. I read this just after taking my night meds so I definitely want to read it again because my night meds make me groggy. As far as I can remember I liked it and it left me wanting to read more from this author.
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Title: Give And It Shall Be Given Unto You
Author: kai
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 33,425
Main Pairing: Harry Potter/Severus Snape
Summary: "Surprises are foolish things. The pleasure is not enhanced, and the inconvenience is often considerable."
Warnings: Character Death, Dark, Dom/Sub Relationship, Multiple Partners, Non-Con, Non-Snarry Pairing, Rape, Violence/Torture

Gripping. You desperately want to figure out what happened in the past (as this is an AU) and what will happen to the characters in the future. I really enjoyed this fic. It kept me in suspense. Plotty plus, dark...love dark!
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Left the following time travel prompt cuz I'm obsessed with time travel.

REQUIRED
Name: versatillite
Age: way over 18
Era: EWE, Hogwarts, Post-Hogwarts, Wartime, Post-War, etc.
Preferences: Dark or grey fic please. With grey!Harry and moral ambiguity in general. I prefer a slow build to their relationship. I like power reversals (like if Draco is enslaved he's the dominant one in the relationship/bedroom). I'm open to OC's and love a snarky, reluctantly helpful Snape.
Squicks: watersports, scat
Preferred rating or range: R or NC-17

OPTIONAL
Additional prompts: bond tattoo or slave collar
Scenario:
Scenario: Time travel or slave fic are love. This scenario has both but you can change it up or ignore it completely.
After the war there is a severe ministry crackdown on Death Eaters and sympathizers. Narcissa calls in a life debt, asking Harry to take Draco into hiding in the past (possibly with a dark artifact) which also binds Draco to Harry in some sort of fealty or slavery bond (cuz it's a dark artifact so repercussions). The boys travel back to some time after Harry's first year at Hogwarts. They rescue (past)Harry from the Dursley's to raise (try to give him a normal childhood) and try to figure out how to get the horcrux out without having to sacrifice (past)Harry. Harry wants to give (past)Harry the childhood he wishes he had but things on the Voldemort front don't go as planned and Draco convinces Harry that he can't protect (past)Harry and instead needs to prepare him.

Or any other scenario you like.

Other: Bonus for a close relationship (mentor/father figure) between (past)Harry and (future)Draco.

But again, I'll just be happy with whatever you're willing to give me :)

Thanks.

Play Game

Dec. 17th, 2015 03:13 pm
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I'm so behind.

I'm not making it out of the house much. It's dark and dreary and everything is piling on. I feel overwhelmed with anxiety. I'm not particularly looking forward to Christmas, in fact, I'm dreading it.

All I've been doing is playing video games. The video games are triggering too much anxiety. I feel so ridiculous because video games are supposed to be fun but I get overwhelmed so easily by the tiniest things. Its frustrating.

I think I need to just focus on my reading, that always calms me down (well, depending on what I read). Fluff. I need much fluffy fic.

I might as well not even try to pretend to be a functioning human being until after New Years.
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Exercise and panic attacks feel very similar. I just came home from a session with my trainer. I feel defeated. I got home and cried. I panicked and I hated myself for it.

I recently asked my doctor to lower my anxiety medication. I had forgotten how easily I panicked before my meds. But going off the meds is important to me because the meds dull my emotions. But I need to get reacquainted with emotions. That's what humans do, right? We feel.

It is not histrionic, on my part, to cry out of fear, particularly after having spent over a year medicated to avoid feeling fear. I am not nuts, I'm merely getting used to being human after spending years as a pharmaceutically sedated zombie.

So, I wrote myself a little something for when I'm at the gym and I go into another panic. Because I will be going back to the gym and I will have other panic attacks. I won't let my fear keep me locked in my house for another dozen years.

Normally, when I panic, my internal monologue goes something like this:

Oh, shit! This feels weird. This can't be normal. Is my heart beating too fast? My heart is beating too fast. What if I have a heart attack. Oh my god I can't breathe. I'm dizzy. What if I pass out. Oh, shit, I think I'm going to pass out. I'm so useless. I can't even get through half an hour of exercise. I should be working harder not stopping but if I don't stop I think I'm going to pass out.

...so basically lots of fear and then a nice dose of shame.

But next time I go to the gym, I need to remember to keep the following in mind:

Feel the fear
Accept it
Acknowledge that you are afraid
Remind yourself that the fear will pass
Don't try to push away the fear
Don't try to escape it
Instead, embrace it
Allow yourself to feel it
It will not kill you
It will not destroy you
It will make you stronger
If instead of trying to run from it
You allow yourself to walk through it


How self-helpy and other self judgements inserted here. But, whatever gets me through.
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**Not my characters. Not my world**
A/N: I edited out some stuff, so it's shorter but more consistent? I don't, know...I like it better this way.

The Boy Who Lived

Harry walked through the streets of London, anonymous. Another jean clad youth, strolling home from a night of pub crawling with friends. Ron sang a muggle song, tunelessly, drunkenly stumbling over his words and the pavement. Neville, leaning against Seamus for support and trying to join his voice to the song, kept forgetting the words, replacing them with his own gibberish. This elicited snorts and admonitions from Seamus, who was swaying beneath his own inebriation and Neville's added weight.

Harry focused on his trainers.

One foot in front of the other. Never drink this much again.

The Vampire

The vampire watched from the shadows. Stealthily stalking his intended meal, eyes fixed on the quiet one. Caught up in their own delirium, the others would never notice if he pulled the boy into a darkened alley.

Best to be safe. Best to watch and wait.

His patience was rewarded when the boys stepped into an alley to relieve their aching bladders. Luck was on his side, the quiet one was at the entrance to the alley. All he had to do was silently creep, faster than dazed eyes could perceive. Coming up from behind, he clasped the boy's mouth shut with one hand, wrapping his free arm around the boy's waist and in a moment they were out of the alley, climbing the opposing wall, landing on the roof. Dazzled creature in his arms, warm trickle of blood running down his chin.

So sweet. The quiet ones are always sweeter. A hint of bitter aftertaste. Perfection.

The Boy Who Died

His right hand was pressed against the cold brick wall, his left hand aimed a stream of steaming piss away from his trousers. His head was swimming, barely cogent of frozen fingers digging into his waist, a cold hand sealing his mouth. Not that he'd thought to scream. It was all a muddled dream, wasn't it? Leaning into the wall for support one minute, slumped against a cold shoulder the next. Lips pressed against his neck. No fear, only slipping slowly into a warm bath, melting into darker waters, drowning in oblivion. No pain. Only peace.

The Stranger

Harry opened his eyes. The last thing he remembered was a gentle warmth wrapping around him, filling him with peace. He woke with his own lips pressed against cold skin. Sucking in chilled blood, plunged into arctic waters, fully aware of both the night behind him and it's consequences.

“Enough,” the stranger pushed him away.

With a swish of black fabric, the stranger was gone and Harry was alone on the roof.

He had died...again, and this time, there was no coming back into the light.
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I don't know what is keeping me going at this point. Somehow I put one foot in front of the other. I flip the switch in my mind. Dim the lights, turn up the sound and wade through the day, eyes glued to my shoes.

One foot, two. Step. Step. Keep moving. You're my good girl. Look at you, I won't let you give in.

Why not?

I'll keep you moving until you can do it on your own.

I don't want to

You're not damaged enough to stop

But I don't think I can keep this up

You can. You will. You're my good girl and you're more resilient than you think.

But why? What do I have to keep me...

You have me

But you're not real. You're just...me

That's right, my good girl. You have me. I won't leave you like they did. I'll be here to push, to pull, to drag you. I'll be whatever I have to be to get you through. Just keep your feet moving and your eyes focused on me. I'm all you've got. I'm all you'll ever need.
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Every day is harder than the last day
when nothing happens
I don't think I remember how to love or hate
anyone else
no one else is real

I'm tired of being here
I'm tired of never leaving
I'm tired of me

and somehow I survive
too stubborn or too cowardly
versatillite: (Default)
The problem with you is that you have hope. That doesn't make me pity you. That doesn't make me envy you. That makes me afraid of you. Afraid that you could spread that hope, like it's catching. The last thing I want infecting me, is hope.
versatillite: (Default)
Notes: I wrote this January 31, 2015. I posted it on Tumblr. Then I deleted my Tumblr account when I realized that I don't understand Tumblr. Now it's here.

I stopped writing about ten years ago.  Because, you know, life stuff.  No, not the usual daily grind, more like, life put on hold, mind put to sleep…in a terrible nightmare.  Last year I started to wake up, at first, only becoming aware that I had been asleep.  As I opened my eyes and saw the world, I began to want life,  as the wanting grew it filled me with fear that I have tried to swallow back down.  And as I swallowed the Want, it became a weight, puling my consciousness back down into the numbing depths of slumber.  But I want a waking life. And wanting has become stronger than the fear, stronger than the instinct to retreat back into my cozy cave of isolation.
To write.  Writing is the only cure. Writing is the only way to get it out of me.  Writing to rip the churning chaos from my soul, forcing it into being a separate being.  Spewing forth the lives I haven’t lived, the desires that I’ve ignored, the fear and rage and pain to I’ve refused to feel.
Here we go.

Girls

Apr. 3rd, 2015 01:27 pm
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Girls


Notes: Not my characters, not my world
So I was thinking about Draco and Harry and how much I would like to read some femeslash and why can't there be Drarry femeslash. Um, because Draco and Harry are both Boys. But what if they were girls, and what if Harry wasn't the girl who lived, what if her brother (Michael) was the boy who lived. And then I started thinking about the girls and what their family might expect from them as opposed to what would be expected from boys. And then I gave up on writing this because I'm embarrassed of my writing. But then I wrote a comment on someone's LJ where I mentioned that I lock my posts due to the embarrassment, which made me reconsider. I thought, well so what if my writing is bad (and no, I'm not fishing for compliments I just don't believe in lying to myself. Okay, maybe not bad, but thoroughly mediocre, I'm okay with that, I really just write because I like to write). So, I'm posting it anyway. And I'm rambling and here is what I have so far. I probably won't finish it.

Draco stood before her full length mirror, absently straightening her school robes. She needed to look immaculate for her first day at Hogwarts. Her father was counting on her. Her father had been a Death Eater and only just barely managed to escape prison by convincing the Minister that he was, in fact under the Imperius the entire time. While the Minister believed him, Dumbledore did not and where Dumbledore's opinion went, the majority of the wizarding world's opinion followed. Her father had come to her the night before to explain things.

It was her responsibility, he said, as the Malfoy heir, to return the family to it's former glory. He had been grooming her for this her entire life. He had molded her into the perfect lady. Charming. Beautiful. Intelligent. Fit for a Prince, fit for The Boy Who Lived. It was Draco's duty to her family to enchant Michael Potter. It was her duty to befriend him and eventually make him fall in love with her...for her family. The ultimate goal was marriage, of course, because in tying themselves to the Potters , they where insuring their future standing in the world of public opinion. That was the only way they would ever rid themselves of the distrust that the public still felt for them even after all these years. After Draco was married to the boy who lived no one would ever again dare to look down their noses at the Malfoy name.

...her father had droned on for hours. It made her excited, at first, to think that she could be so important to her family. But by the time her father dismissed her from his study, Draco had found that perhaps the fluttery feeling in her belly was not excitement, but nausea. She was terrified. This was too real, too much responsibility. What if she couldn't do it? What if she failed her family? What if she failed her father? Her mind flashed to the look of disgust he wore whenever she failed to live up to his expectations. By the time she reached her bedroom she felt as though her heart would escape through her throat. It seemed to be stuck there, choking her, keeping her from being able to breathe and beating too loud and too hard and too fast.

Her father had taught her that in times like these, when one's own body became the enemy, there was only one thing to do. Turn it off. Disconnect. Draco closed her eyes and pictured herself climbing out of her body. Climbing out of her Draco suit.

That was last night.

Draco looked at herself in the mirror and realizing that she had been fussing with her robes, she clasped her hands together, digging her fingernails into the skin of her knuckles until she could feel pain. She had turned off her panic last night by disconnected herself from the body. Once disconnected it was getting more and more difficult to reconnect and pain was often the only thing that could jolt her back into the physical world.

Draco looked at her hands reflected in the mirror. She had torn the skin. If her father saw he would be furious. A lady had to be perfect. Not a single blemish or bruise. She reached into her robes and pulled out a pair of black gloves. Disgusted, she turned away from the mirror, unable to look at herself any longer.


******


Harriet couldn't get enough of this day. She had been waiting her entire life for this, a chance to get out of the overprotected bubble that her father had created for her and her brother since the night that they survived Voldemort's attack on Godrick's Hollow. Her twin brother Michael had reflected the killing curse onto Voldemort and saved her life and the whole of the wizarding world when they were only babies. But her mother had died that night and her father had never fully recovered. So he insisted on keeping them locked tight under wards in their little home, until it came time to send them off to Hogwarts.

Harriet was ready. Harriet was so ready to see the world open up before her. Her eyes were hungry for every detail of this day, she felt she would never be satiated with it's sights and sounds.

What she was hungry for, what she was starving for...was people. Other people. She had spent her entire life surrounded by the same people. Her father and her brother, Dumbledore and the Order. This was her first chance to expand her world. To finally make some friends.

Harriet followed Micheal onto the Hogwarts Express and couldn't help but stop and look into the first compartment as they passed. Two boys, two identical older boys were trying to shove a third, younger boy out of the door. All three boys had alarmingly bright red hair and freckles, obviously siblings. The younger boy whined and pleaded but finally gave in and moved on past the doorway of the compartment and down toward the end of the car.

Harriet, watching the scene play out, had stopped just at the entrance of the train car. She was holding up the boarding process and the boy behind her was pushing past her and ranting about clueless first years. When Harriet reached the end of the car, she finally found Michael, already in conversation with the red haired boy.

“Harri, there you are!” Michael's face was bright with excitement as he introduced her to his new friend.

“Harri, this is Ron Weasley. Ron, this is my sister Harriet, but we call her Harri.”

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