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I'm still here. I guess I just wanted to post something since I haven't been doing much of that in the past year. Life is getting busier, more real. I've got a job now and working towards being a functioning person. Much to my horror, not only did DT win the Rep nom, he also won the presidency.

Still reading lots of Snarry as my OTP, but I've developed an interest in Percy slash, as well. That's all. Not much to tell. I'm not doing a much to tell. I've not been keeping up with my recs...just trying to keep my head above water. If it's not one thing it's another.

Anyway, Happy April to all.

Hormones

Aug. 23rd, 2016 01:14 pm
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I've been in and out of it, dissociating, crying, panic attacks...fun times. I've gone through four different types of birth control in the past 6 months and it's been quite the ride. Thanks ever so much to my prescription drug coverage for deciding that your profits are more important than my ability to function.

Hopefully this last attempt at regulating my hormones won't interfere too much with my efforts to find and keep a job.

Not done much reading, but as my mind clears, I hope to be able to enjoy the fics posting at the HP Time Travel Fest. Love the time travel trope, although, not so much in CC.

Trying to keep it together. That's all.
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Note: this is copied over from my request at SnarryFicFind.

I'm not sure if this type of request is permitted in this group and if it isn't please accept my apologies and ignore my request (or PM me if you've got advice)

I've been reading A Bittersweet Potion series by Alchemia and Bugland and I've been enjoying it. My problem is that I can only handle so much angst. I have an anxiety disorder and, while I find that I can handle most angst within fic, there is a point were reading can become too anxiety provoking for me.

So, my question is, will the angst continue to get worse or will it let up any time soon?

I've gotten about halfway through the third installment. I did well for the first two but I've had to walk away from the third one several times. I really want to finish reading the series but I'm not sure if I can go through another 50K of

*********SPOILER*********
Snape pushing Harry away for his own good or constant fighting. I've just reached the part where Harry (accidentally?) casts the soul bond and he and Snape are fighting all the time. The authors have done such a great job building Harry's misery and the general feeling of dispair in this fic that I'm finding it difficult to get through.
**************************

Please don't take this as a criticism of the series. This is purely my mental health issue and I would appreciate any thoughts. Just to give you an idea of how much angst I can take, I read Unwell by socksfordobby and that was very difficult for me to get through. I tried to read Desiderium Intimum by Arielgobus but I couldn't push through the anxiety.
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Cold air presses against my skin
The ghost of hands that never were
My own fingers stretch out
White knuckled
grasping
desperate
need
My skin tingles
Glows
Aches
Wild fire builds beneath my flesh
Scorching my veins and my vision
I see stars
Hungry to burn
And bury me in ashes
To release me
For a moment of sweet oblivion
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Despite growing support to the contrary, I will hold firm to my denial. Until I read the script I refuse to believe that this is really The Cursed Child. I don't want it to be. I refuse to accept this as canon. Just...NO!

Here's an article from the daily beast with the full plot.

::::SPOILERS::::
While I want to rant about a million things, can I just say, WTF Harry...after your upbringing, how could you say you wish Albus wasn't your son?

I kind of hate you right now JK.
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Note: I know I've said that I don't write, but I do journal a bit. My therapist encourages it and I tend to put it off. But I did write this description of what it feels like, for me, to dissociate. If you're interested in knowing, I dissociate due to trauma. Dissociation is a survival skill but I've been doing it so consistently and for so long, that it hinders my ability to function.

Dissociation

Dissociating feels like slipping into a warm bath and sinking below the water until I disappear. Letting my body take over while I sleep, warm and safe and unaware.

Sometimes I feel like I'm tagging along behind my body, looking up every once in a while, as it performs the task of living. But this body feels alien and I don't recognize it as Me when it looks at me from across a mirror. No, Me is the one behind this body, the one who mostly whispers criticism, or occasionally encouragement. Sometimes, I’m not there at all, for a few moments I don’t exist. There are no thoughts or sense of time passing. I am just gone.

But those moments are rare and brief, though frightening. I'll find myself suddenly raising my head above the warm waters and realizing that my body was going, was doing, without me.

Most of the time I’m here, a few steps behind. Seeing what my body sees and hearing what it hears, only, from a distance. It’s often difficult to focus on what’s going on outside of me, so I pretend to go along with the situation. It's hard to feel much of anything, my body feels, but I'm so far away.

I try to fight it most of the time. I try to ground myself in my body, but it’s a rare moment when I feel like it’s a part of me.

Update

Jun. 8th, 2016 09:38 am
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The day after Memorial Day my grandmother had a stroke. We were lucky, because my uncle (who is a doctor) was visiting for the holiday and we were able to get her treatment within two hours of the onset. She's recovering pretty well.

That said, I live with her and have been caring for her more and more as she's able to do less and less. It's sad to see her in decline but I'm glad that I can be there for her.

So, I probably won't be very active for a while, but I'll keep reading and giving out comments.

This year has been...challenging, but that's life.

Noooo

May. 3rd, 2016 05:58 pm
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There is not enough time to read everything I want to read. Gurg, I suck at prioritizing.
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***copied over from my post at Tumblr****

The Harry/Draco Glompfest over at serpentinelion started posting yesterday.

What is this HD Glompfest, you ask? It’s an awesome fanfest on LiveJournal, where fans who don’t write or produce art for the Harry/Draco fandom, can post a prompt at the beginning of the fest and a wonderful fandom author or artist will produce a fan work based on that prompt.

This year, I posted a prompt and was lucky enough to have it brought to life by the talented and prolific Lomonaaeren. I’ve linked to her AO3 profile where she has a whopping 352 fics in the HP fandom, and she’s always producing more. My mind spins in awe of the quality of fic she consistently produces in such epic quantities. And a good deal of what she produces is long. If you haven’t read her fic, I recommend you do so, it’s fantastic. Her creativity is inspiring.

I wouldn’t recommend starting with the fic she wrote for the HD Glompfest because it’s tone is pretty dark and I’m aware that many people aren’t really fans of darkfic. I am so grateful to Lomonaaeren because “Alicorn” turned out better than I could have imagined, it’s a dark - at times disturbing - fic, with a bittersweet ending. That’s exactly what I asked for but not all her fic are that dark, in fact, the ones I’ve read were more romantic. To be fair, she’s written so much that I imagine she must have a bit of everything. Most of her fic is Drarry, but she does other ships and gen as well, including my OTP Snarry, and even Harry/Draco/Severus. Go check her out, if you haven’t already, you won’t regret it.

Finally, don’t forget to check out the 2016 HD Glompfest which will be posting until all claimed prompts are up at serpentinelion.

Happy reading.
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Title: Fifth House also at AO3
Author: Ky
Word Count: over 450,000 and counting
Rating: Mature
Pairings: multiple including Harry Potter/Severus Snape, slash, hey, femslash, and threesome
Summary: Harry Potter was quite honest when he informed Dumbledore’s portrait he intended to get rid of the Elder Wand. But what if he’d had to use it one last time? Would the Wand of Destiny change the Savior… or save him at last?

I’m not making this an all out rec. This is merely an announcement. Although I’m pretty sure that I’m going to be reccing it once I catch up to the author.

Yesterday, I started reading Ky’s epic Harry Potter fanfic. It’s a work in progress but it’s over 450,000 words and Ky updates regularly.

Before I go any further, I want to get the warnings out of the way. This fic warns for multiple pairings (which I haven’t gotten to). It’s got slash, het, femslash, and threesomes. It has at least one crossgen pairing, as it warns for Snarry.

It’s billed as super plotty and I can already see its focus being on plot rather than romance or smut. So if you’re worrying about the pairings you may want to wait until I post my rec to see how much of the fic ends up focusing on that aspect. As usual, if you have a problem with any of the pairings don’t read it. Otherwise, I encourage you to jump in because, so far, it’s been an enjoyable read.

It’s taking some pretty established ideas and bringing a refreshing take. I don’t want to spoil anything (not that I’ve gotten far enough to really do spoilers). But I will say that I've appreciated how Ky handles Snape starting to discover that Harry isn’t who he always believed him to be. It’s done without excessive drama, in a way that really highlights the changes in another character, one that is neither Harry nor Snape.

That leads me to gushing over the character interactions. There is so much lovely, amusing banter between once antagonists. You get a clear sense of the characters evolving as they get to know and interact with one another.

I love how Ky has handled the 8th year trope, making it feel unique yet familiar. I love how she has kept the Slytherins in character, softening them slightly as a result of their experience, but still completely recognizable. The small changes in their behaviors are justified in the initial chapters. All in all, their evolution happens in print instead of off-scene.

Look at me, I can’t stop gushing. All in all, the fic feels light and fun, intriguing and unique, low angst (thank goodness for my nerves) and high plot.

Ok, back to the fic.
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I still feel all of the guilt. Or should I say, I'm finally starting to allow myself to feel the guilt that I've suppressed for who knows how long.
War will mess with your head. Being a child while the war affects the adults who are supposed to protect you, it all leaves a mark. And all the things that happened then and after, the things that I refuse to believe and the things that I refuse to remember, all those leave invisible scars. Scars that hinder movement, scars that ache. At least that's what she tells me. But it's so hard to believe it. To stop blaming and hating myself.

I'm...gah

Mar. 13th, 2016 11:16 pm
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I'm pretty sure I died, went to heaven, and this fan vid was my reward for life.
I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did.
#SSatM

Severus Snape and the Marauders


They've also made the duel between Dumbledore and Grindelwald, The Greater Good


***sorry for all the edits to this post. I'm posting from my phone and it took me a while to figure out how to embed the video***
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Been pretty busy the past two weeks. Lots of visits to the doctor for both my grandmother and myself. My grandmother is very dependent on me. I drive her everywhere, pay her bills, make any phone calls that need to be made, etc. This year she's been mentally deteriorating so I've taken on more and more responsibility so the past two weeks have been non stop as she's getting ready for two big trips.
Last weekend I drove us to Chicago to celebrate her birthday with my uncle. This weekend she's driving to New York with my other uncle, and I'll have some time to read and hopefully post some recs.
Later this month she'll be flying to Nicaragua for a wedding. So, more free time later this month.
Alright, hope all is well with everyone.
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Title: Induction or at AO3
Author: Grazhir (aka Shivani) or at Grazhir's main archive
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 90,862
Main Pairing: Harry Potter/Severus Snape
Summary: A perhaps disturbing look at what one bitter man’s obsession could lead to, and the unexpected results—but for whom?
Warnings: iffy!chan, dubious consent, mind control
A/N: This story is meant to be disturbing at some level. Some readers will undoubtedly turn away at a certain point due to the content, and that’s perfectly all right. I don’t expect everyone to like what this plot entails. On the other hand, some of you will.

This fic is so damn good. Interesting as hell, don't want to put it down, the plot is great, Snape is wicked (my favorite Snape flavor).

Great characters, a bit hot especially if you like dub-con, not so much if you don't. Not really romantic but more of a dark mood read. Loved. Want to read everything ever by Shivani.

So, as the warning states, this fic is definitely not for everyone. But if you like a morally ambigous Snape, dubious consent, plot, manipulation, awsome disturbing wrongness culminating in a happy ending, then this fic is for you.
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Title: A Certain Kind Of Fool also at walkingtheplank
Author: asnowyowl
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 38,976
Main Pairing: Harry Potter/Severus Snape
Summary: For Severus, everything changes when Harry and his children move into Hogwarts. Albus Severus has taken a liking to him and it seems Harry Potter has a secret.
Warnings: Partially epilogue compliant. Includes rimming.

Nice, sweet fic, romantic. Yes, I can enjoy those as well.

Albus worms his way into Snape's heart, softening him up, with his persistant attachment to the grumpy man. It's a long process but the author patiently takes us through it and it's so adorble. You can't help but love it. Read when you want something sweet and light with great characters, a nicer Severus Snape, and some well developed relationships.

Like I said, this fic is sweet, but in no way sacharine. I really enjoyed it. Unfortunately, I read it pretty late at night so it is a bit fuzzy. That's okay, though, from the notes I took just before going to bed, it looks like I was more than interested in giving it another read through.
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Title: Euphoria (at AO3)
Author: birdsofshore for The 2015 Harry Potter Cross Gen Fest at HP CrossGen
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: ~22,500
Main Pairing: Draco/Albus Severus, Albus Severus/Scorpius, Draco/Albus Severus/Scorpius
Summary: A fire is prickling in the pit of my belly. I feel a little like I'm watching this happening to someone else. Al's sitting there, reeking of another man's sweat and come. He looks miserable and anxious... but also well-fucked. I look at his mussed hair, his bitten lips. I've never wanted him more.
Warnings: Where do I start? It's a 22k PWP. O_O. Serious consent issues, sex under the influence of alcohol and potions, voyeurism, a threesome, jealousy, a little angst, infidelity kink, orgasm delay, powerplay, wanking, really quite a lot of anal sex, kind-of incest, a tiny bit of H/D UST, age disparity 19/45.

Birdsofshore sure knows how to build up the heat. This fic is on fire from the get go but by the end it's molten lava coursing through your veins.

So I need to mention that parent/child incest is a big squick for me. This fic does not contain outright incest, but really borders along the edges. Lucky for me, I will try anything, I actually love to push myself through squicks, what can I say I'm a glutton for punishment, This fic, however, was nowhere near punishment. It's another one of my fave kinds of fics, where there is sweetness at times, but also high doses of just plain wrong. Delicious.

I love birdsofshore's characters. (My bias always tends to picture authors as female, please correct me when I inevitably get it wrong) Her Slytherins are fantastic, manipulative and somewhat cruel, jealous and at the same time so concerned with Albus' well being. I'm always delighted at how much emotion and character depth she manages to convey in her PWP.

I haven't rec'd any of her stuff before because it's been a while since I read any of her fics. She is one of the first fanfic authors I read and her fics really hold up, her Unguarded series is what motivated me to branch out from Drarry, which helped me find my OTP, Snarry. So, this rec is all gushy and fangirl, but what can I say, birdsofshore deserves it. You can't go wrong reading her fic.
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My prompt was picked by some kind soul for The 2016 H/D Glompfest at serpentinelion. Yay, excited me.

I'm not sure where I could post my most heartfelt thanks to whoever picked my prompt. I apologize for my prompt being overly specific. It was only my second prompt ever, I barely knew what I was doing, and I hope that didn't make things difficult. In other words, I hope you went ahead and ignored anything that was too specific and just picked out whatever you liked and ran with that.

Again thanks so much. I can't wait to read.
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So, I have been running behind with my recs. Excuses go here: grandma sick, reading my friend's original novel, wanting to play Skyrim, blah blah blah.

My email is also brimming with unread posts and fest fics...raaaarrg.

Since the last time I posted recs, I've read about 35 fics. I've also realized that posting all my recs at once is a bad plan. So, I'll try to stagger my recs. And actually post them, yeah, that would be good.

Also, I think I might finally go see the new Star Wars movie this week. The last time I braved the movie theater was when the first Hunger Games movie came out. Before that, I think it was the second Twilight movie, before that, the sixth Harry Potter movie. Yeah, I don't really like going to the movies. Mostly because I don't ever want to leave the house.

so behind the times. sigh.

Have a good weekend everyone, it's off to Skyrim for me.

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